A Short Note to One of Those Left Behind

[stungunbilly]

Dear Patrick Stump,

Okay, so both Pete Wentz and Frank Iero are married. This knowledge spoils a whole lot of my hopes for your gay future, I don’t mind saying. I realize that you could potentially be gay with any number of stunningly attractive or even quite ordinary young men, of course. However, I am a bit particular in regards to your gay requirements, and thus concerned. (See list below).

Patrick Stump’s Gay Requirements, According to stungunbilly

• Short. He’s got to be wee enough to make eye contact with Mr. Stump.
• Unconventionally hot, or unconventional and hot. Tattoos a plus. May need but refuse to wear glasses.
• Charming and witty, or thinks he’s charming and witty. Should angle for the limelight, in any case, thus sparing P. stress.
• Musician of some sort, preferably with an appreciation for soul music, but at least involved enough to spend many hours in technical discussions (without trying to gnaw off own leg).
• Should be adored by women, thus ensuring some sort of vetting process for likely douchebag behaviors. (And yes, Microsoft spell check, douchebag  should be run together like that. It’s colloquial, vile software minion of Bill Gates.)
• Should be bisexual, if possible, and thereby contribute to the many moments of sexual confusion we expect to discern in our celebrities.
• Absolutely must adore The Stump, without discretion or subtlety.

I need a list of possible candidates, stat.

Enormous Respect for Your Professional Demeanor in the Face of Gay Drought,
stungunbilly (the 3rd)